


After

by dragandage



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4518381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragandage/pseuds/dragandage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>cullen suicide</p>
            </blockquote>





	After

**Author's Note:**

> possibly triggering

Cullen waits until they've defeated Corypheus. Anything sooner than that feels like a betrayal. Whether he likes it or not, he has some vague idea of the fact that the Inquisition needs him at least that long, and he can't leave his men before that's taken care of. It's hard even to convince himself of that, to drag out his existence that much longer because he is needed.

 

He simply can't believe that he's needed. He's a fuck-up, and he knows it. Knows the Inquisition would be better off under any other commander, under Bull or Leliana or Blackwall or one of his own troops. The only thing that keeps him sticking around is that he knows any kind of transition period would be hard on his men at this point. They know him, trust him, respect him, and the process of losing and replacing him might fuck up the war effort even more than Cullen naturally does.

 

When he thinks this, of course, he realizes it has to be mere egotism, but he's too scared that it might be true to go through with it early. Just in case. For their sake.

 

Maker knows it's not for his. Every fucking day he knows how useless he is, how many people he's letting down, how much everything simultaneously hurts and stays so terrifyingly empty. He's aware of every mistake, every way he's hurt someone. He stops writing his family because some part of him thinks that maybe, somehow, if he just fades into the background they won't miss him when he goes.

 

It's that way with the troops too. With the Inquisitor. With everyone. It's a difficult balance, trying to keep himself locked away to avoid hurting them and trying to be present enough to help at the same time.

 

Fuck, it's hard. He can feel his approach change every day, too. He's wavering constantly. Trying to figure out how to cause the least harm when he goes.

 

It's all swirling around his head the night they celebrate Corypheus's defeat. He's only half-present for his conversation with the Inquisitor. He's up working far later than he expected, dealing with drunken soldiers and fending off well-wishers, but, eventually, he makes it back to his bed.

 

There has to be a note, of course, just something convincing enough for Leliana to know it wasn't an assassination.

 

Then, lyrium. Enough to burn away the pain and then the emptiness and then whatever scrap of him remains.


End file.
